Another five years of my life gone. Five years full of great things and horrible things. Loved ones lost. Beautiful people who I will never forget, who I will never stop missing.

And five years of living an expectation, a belief, that turned out to be false. Was it a waste? Over the last few months i've felt it was at times. I've regretted time wasted, opportunities lost. I've been angry, sad, confused and hurt. I guess I still am all of these.

Some people think it's my fault, as though something like this is about fault. One person in particular. I guess they have that right.. I guess they see things differently to how I see them.

I know I made the right decision. At least, for me. I know we both got hurt, I know we've both been hurting. But I know I didn't make things worse by doing what had to be done.

My biggest regret is that they seem to want to take everything that was good away. The things that make me feel it wasn't a complete waste of time.

I'm hurt that these things are now lost to me, the memories in pictures, the potential for friendship and the respect that knowing someone so well brings.

Anyway, i'm sounding a bit cryptic and introspective. I have no wisdom, no explanations for my feelings. No excuses.

It's a time of change for me, a time when i've had to take a look at everything about my life. I've tried to identify the things which make me unhappy, the things which make me happy, the things I need to confront and deal with and the things which I want to achieve. There are too many sources of grief beyond my control to allow the ones I can effect free reign in my life.

Overall, I think this is a good thing. I'm not rushing anything, but i'm not making any excuses about the changes I need to make. Over the next few years I expect my life is going to be a little different. I have a lot of things on my mind, a lot to work out. But i'm hoping that i'm going to be a happier, better person at the end.

As much as i'm hurt and sad about a lot of things, one thing i've been lucky to have is one person I know I can always count on, who is always there for me and accepts me at my worst and my best. They've been there for me even when things are really bad for them. This alone makes me appreciate that despite everything which has happened in the last five years, i'm really very lucky, luckier perhaps than many people.